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Elias somente ouvia no seu ouvido de pedra e olhar quase derretido. Continuava andando, na sua marcha calada, na sua missão cega.
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Elias era o mesmo, sempre indo embora, sempre de passagem. Sua mãe falava, perguntava, e ele continuava indo embora.
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De repente, Elias pára e olha sua mãe nos olhos, de um modo como nunca antes o havia feito. E um olhar tão intenso, tão profundo, tão tudo, tão tão. Ela estava mais velha e ele ainda era aquele jovem que ficou, aquela figura que permanece, não se modifica com o tempo, ao dizer que o tempo, para os mortos, parou. Os mortos parecem vencer o tempo, estão além dele, não mudam, não envelhecem: os mortos não morrem... Vão para perto dos deuses e lá se eternizam.
Desprotegida, inconsolável, Eleonora olha o filho, a sua morte, como uma criança. Ele a abraça forte:
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Eleonora sai aflita, correndo em direção à rua. Abre o portão e olha para a esquina como se procurasse algo naquela distância cega, sem o saber. Observou e nada encontrou. A rua não tinha esquina, aliás, não tinha fim. O que havia, se algo realmente havia, era um imenso vazio que tomava tudo, engolindo seus pensamentos, siderando seu olhar na direção daquele nada. Ouvia ao longe, mas também bem dentro da cabeça, os passos de alguém que se aproximava. Um vulto vinha perfurando o escuro com o som dos seus cem mil passos a aumentar em volume e assombro. Era Elias, seu filho.
- Filho, filho. De onde você está vindo, meu filho? Mamãe sentiu tanto a sua falta...
- Vim de lá, daquele vazio, daquele escuro, está vendo? - sem interromper sua compassada caminhada. Para trás daquele escuro há um deserto imenso, sem tamanho, sem nome. Eu venho cruzando este deserto há anos e anos. Vejo um ponto, sempre. Ele não se apaga jamais. Um ponto, nada mais. E eu somente sei que caminho em sua direção.
- Há um ano você se foi e não voltou mais. Procurei por todos os cantos e não pude encontrá-lo. Revirei o seu quarto, suas roupas, seus retratos, fiquei horas perdida na lembrança do seu sorriso. Fiquei horas sem nada pensar ou sair do lugar. Absorta, com a alma desabrigada e nua. Indignada, indigente. Chorar já não mais trazia alívio. Onde está você agora, meu filho? Para onde foi? O que está fazendo? Por que caminha sem parar? Onde vai? Por que não volta? Por que me engana, ao se mostrar toda noite em meus sonhos, ao parecer que não morreu, que tudo fora somente um pesadelo? Chega sorrateiro, sorriso macio: “oi, mãe...”, trazendo um presentinho, uma flor, um abraço. E agora, será que é um sonho também? Já padeci uma eternidade inultimente na tentativa de dar conta desse vazio que você deixou aberto feito ferida no meu peito. Eu também morri, Elias. Eu também morri... Sua mãe é uma mulher para sempre mutilada.
Elias somente ouvia no seu ouvido de pedra e olhar quase derretido. Continuava andando, na sua marcha calada, na sua missão cega.
- Para onde você está indo, meu filho? Você está vivo? Você voltou? O que está acontecendo, me explique.
Seus passos tinham vida e rumo próprios, direção certa, a algum ponto que sua mãe não podia enxergar. Contudo, ela tacitamente parecia compreender o que ali se passava. O filho sempre fora mesmo muito determinado, dificilmente desviava-se de suas rotas, de suas metas.
- Por favor, me diz, meu filho, para onde você está indo? Fale com sua mãe.
Elias era o mesmo, sempre indo embora, sempre de passagem. Sua mãe falava, perguntava, e ele continuava indo embora.
- Estou indo para o vulcão de luz. Lá todos vivem de luz, alimentam-se de luz, brindam as luzes, seu sangue é de luz, os olhos emitem fachos de luz, as pessoas ouvem e cantam em luzes. Está vendo, lá, para além daquele morro, para além daquele além – apontando para uma nuvem preta onde não havia nada além do que um pouco de chuva.
- Ai, meu filho, vocês me inventam cada coisa. Sempre inventando de ir pra cada lugar que ninguém entende, falando de coisas que ninguém compreende. Vivem aí estudando para quê? Para complicar? Por que não procuram fazer algo mais simples. Não tinha outro meio pra você deixar sua mãe apurada, não? Mas ser mãe é isso, é padecer no paraíso. A gente luta tanto para educar os filhos, dar-lhes uma vida digna, para depois ficar ouvindo ingratidão. É, como dizia a sua avó: a gente cria os filhos para o mundo...
De repente, Elias pára e olha sua mãe nos olhos, de um modo como nunca antes o havia feito. E um olhar tão intenso, tão profundo, tão tudo, tão tão. Ela estava mais velha e ele ainda era aquele jovem que ficou, aquela figura que permanece, não se modifica com o tempo, ao dizer que o tempo, para os mortos, parou. Os mortos parecem vencer o tempo, estão além dele, não mudam, não envelhecem: os mortos não morrem... Vão para perto dos deuses e lá se eternizam.
Desprotegida, inconsolável, Eleonora olha o filho, a sua morte, como uma criança. Ele a abraça forte:
- Mãe, é assim mesmo, este é o segredo, a gente passa...
Continua andando, prossegue, e vai até que o escuro tranquilamente o engula. Eleonora, mesmo carregando o peso, agora sabe: a gente passa...
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